How to be a Better communicator

 

If there is one task, except for breathing, that all of us do on a daily basis, then it is communicating.  Each day we communicate with a variety of people, from spouses and partners, to family members, colleagues and friends.  Because communication is such an integral part of our life it has a huge effect on our well-being and general sense of happiness.  All of us have experienced the joy, ease of interaction, and deep sense of connection with another when when things go well in our communication.  At the same time, we all have had times when, well, shall we say: I could have done better!   

 

When we interact with another person, whether it is face-to-face, over the telephone, e-mail, or as is often the case nowadays, through social media, we always have at the start an intention that we want to convey. The problem sometimes is that we aren't always aware of what that intention is.

 

Generally communication can be described as having Four Intentions: Self Defining, Other Exploring, Connecting, and Influencing. Lets have a quick look at each of these Communication Intentions. *

 

Self Defining communication focuses on the person who is doing the talking. It is usually found in statements about oneself, such as I feel, think, am, need, prefer.  It typically involves focussing on using the word "I" instead of "you". The focus is away from the other person (the listener) and instead the person only talks about him/herself. 

 

In Other Exploring communication the speaker expresses a genuine curiosity about the other person's views, ideas, preferences, and intentions. It is often found in statements such as: "That sounds very interesting and new to me and I would like to know more, could you help me understand why you feel this way". The focus is not challenging the other person, but trying to understand him or her.

 

With communication that is Connecting, the speaker tries to add to the other person's descriptions about their reality, without trying to change it. It can be found in phrases such as: "I am wondering if you have ever thought of seeing it this way".  The speaker does not have any expectation about the listener to change.  Communication that emphasizes Connection simply tries to add or enrich.

 

In Influencing the focus is always on attempting to influence or change the other person's world view or behaviour. This can be done overtly or covertly. The characteristic phrase when the intention is Influencing is the use of the word "You". 

 

Now, I should add here that we all use all four styles of communication; however, there is one that we want to try and avoid as much as possible. Can you guess which one it is? You are right, it is Influencing! Because Influencing tends to involve the use of the word "You", it is easy for the other person to feel like they are being attacked. The result is usually a counter attack, closing off, and subsequent breakdown in the connection. 

 

Imagine someone saying to you: "You never pick up after yourself and don't care about me!"  How does it feel?  Now compare this to: " When you don't pick up after yourself, it makes me feel like you don't care about me".  Big difference! 

 

You may want to keep track in the next week of which communication intentions you favour. Next time you feel like using the word "you", see if there is a way to replace it with the word "I". 

 

 

* Model courtesy Hugh McGeary, CFS, Calgary